Case 17 - Cyprus

Cyprus - now called the Sports Direct Republic of Cyprus

Problem - Cyprus has got itself into a bit of a monetary pickle. From what I gather, the country's banks lent far too much during the Boom Years, particularly to Greece, The Broken Land of Brokedom, and have now been left without a paddle in these dark, dark Bust Years. Cyprus is now financially fudged. To the tune of 16 billion Euros. The European Union has agreed to give them a whopping 10 billion Euro bailout on the condition that Cyprus raises the other 6 billion Euros themselves. Cyprus' political leaders have decided to steal this cash from the bank accounts of its taxpayers, taking most from the lower to middle classes rather than the super rich. This move - and the whole situation - hasn't gone down well with the Cypriot people. We need to have a rethink and spin this somehow to make Cyprus come out of this smelling of roses.

Solution - There's no getting away from the fact that Cyprus needs to find 6 million Euros from somewhere. And fast. But taking it from the people is a bit too much King John for my liking. There must be other solutions. How about this:

1 - Make the most of Ayia Napa by moving into the hard house and illegal drug scenes. Form a Government department to create the sick, sick beats that the Kids go absolutely bonkers for. This will create a number of revenue streams:

A - Music downloads.
B - Holidays in Ayia Napa.
C - Drug-taking in Ayia Napa (form a cartel, impose tax on the drugs)
D - Consider entering the glowsticks market.

This is a bit of a long burner and may take some time - and a number of Now That's What I Call Ayia Napa's Best Government-Funded House Tracks albums - before the 6 million Euro figure is reached.

2 - Consider making a midnight raid on neighbouring countries, making off with their priceless antiquities. Egypt is really close by. I would recommend popping over in the dead of night and swiping a pyramid or two. Perhaps take one of those Sphinxs, too. Any loot you find inside, you keep. Then sell the lot on the black market. 6 million Euros overnight.

3 - Move Cyprus slightly south east so that the country becomes part of mainland Israel. Then get heavily stuck into the Israel/Palestine stuff. No-one will come chasing the money then. There's no way any governing body will want to get involved with that political hot potato. Job done.

4 - Tap up a couple of Cypriot moneybags. I'm looking at you Stelios Haji-Ionnou and Theo Paphitis. Dig deep boys.

5 - Consider selling the naming rights of the country. Sports Direct have got a bit of cash. How about the Sports Direct Republic of Cyprus? Or Wonga-ville? Compare the Market Land?

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