Case 11 - God

Oh. My. God.

Problem - Science is kicking God's ass. 500 years ago, before We, as human beings, knew an awful lot about an awful lot, God and The Bible were riding high on a river of great PR coverage. God comes across pretty well in the Bible, creating everything in the universe and then giving His son to us and not getting all super p*ssed when we killed him. Yes, there are inconsistencies in the Bible and God's teachings, but by and large God was untouchable. Kings and Queens build castles to Him, fought in His name and whatnot. Good times for God. Then came the Enlightenment, science and thinking and it's all gone a bit downhill from there. Now wars and acts of terrorism are carried out in His name (we're taking God as a representation of all Deities, fyi), Church attendances are down, and Catholic priests / Anglican Bishops keep touching little boys. Something must be done.

Solution - God must step up His game. I'm sure Creation was a tough week, but come on God, you've had a long rest now. Let's get involved, yeah? Here's a few suggestions:

1: Act of God. Try and keep it positive. No earthquakes, 40-day floods or monsoons. Sure, they're impressive but they kill a lot of people. That's never good for your long-term image. How about showing yourself on a piece of toast? You're right, too small fry. How about making it rain kittens wearing little 'Act of God' bibs? Everyone loves kittens.

2: Send Jesus back to us. This time wearing sunglasses and with a slight - and entirely justified - chip on his shoulder. Let Him fire off a few one-liners, bringing humanity down a notch or two. He could start with something like: "It's good to be back, Earth. Man.... you guys have really dropped the ball on this one."

3: Consider giving Believers a sixth sense. Something to encourage us back into Church on a Sunday morning. Telepathy would do it. Or maybe telekinesis.

4: Wipe out all the right-wing Bible bashers. People like the Westboro Baptist Church. They do nothing for your image. Televangelists, too. You need to get rid of them. Which brings us on to point 5.

5: Consider releasing new Commandments, packaged up as Commandments 2.0. Set the record straight on a few issues:

a - homosexuality, is this ok?
b - Wars in your name, this ok?

You get the idea. God has taken a pounding since the Theory of Evolution et al. One Act of God is all it would take to make Darwin suck it. Think about it.


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