Case 16 - EastEnders

Warning: This Kat may lead to erectile disfunction

Problem - EastEnders is awful. Even the most loyal Albert Square aficionado will find it difficult to defend the long-running soap. The acting is horrendous and the storylines are even worse. Big changes are needed to ensure that the arch enemy, those Corrie b*stards, don't take EastEnders' soap crown. God damn those Northern gits with their working-class charm. Damn them to Hell.

Solution - There are a number of avenues that EastEnders' writers may wish to consider:

1 - Get some fit actors/actresses involved. Where's all the bloody talent gone?! There are no attractive people in this show. This needs to be addressed pronto. Also, let's make Kat wear a brown paper bag on her head. Her face is starting to scare the children. And Ian Beale snogging/rumpy pumpy? No-one needs to see that. Ever.

2 - Following on from Point One, how about Late Night EastEnders? You know, along the same lines as Late Night Hollyoaks. After the watershed things in Walford can get a little frisky... just make sure that Kat and Beale (as above) are not involved. Throw Sharon and Mitchell into that exclusion zone as well. Dot's fine, though. Oooh I'd love to see some Late Night Dot action. (You're not quite right, are you? - Ed)

3 - Let's have a bit more realism. There's the Queen Vic, but no-one gets pissed and falls over. Let's have an episode where a Family just stays in, has a bit of dinner, watches TV for a bit and then calls it a night. You know, like normal families do. Why all the drama all the time? And for the love of God, get rid of the bloody market. This market has to be the most successful one of its kind in the world. Who would buy disco clobber off a market stall at those flipping prices?! £25 for a skirt? Yeah, go on then. It's more expensive than something in Dotty Ps but why not?

4 - Drop the Hardnut storylines. How old is Phil Mitchell now? 80? He is not hard. He finds it difficult to breathe. Move him in with Patrick and be done with the Hard Man nonsense.

5 - Kill off 90 per cent of the cast. I hate them all.

6 - The diversity tick box exercise is offensive. Having an Indian family involved just for the sake of it is really weak. You might as well call them the Tokens.

7 - Bring back Barry.

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