Case 14 - The Queen

The Queen: One is ready to kick ones ass. 

Problem - The Queen's had a bit of a sh*t week (nice gastroenteritis gag - Ed), rounding off what has been a fairly lacklustre 2013 thus far. Her Majesty's problem is that the future looks bleak for her, too. All eyes are on Wills & Kate and their forthcoming bundle of joy. Soon the Queen will have to step down, at which point she'll become the King's Mum (in case of Charles) or King's Nan (in case of Wills) or even the Ginger King's Nan (in the rare case of 'Arry). She should be thinking about her legacy. How does she want to be remembered?

Solution - The Queen's time atop the British Monarchy has been long, there's no doubt about that, but it's been fairly uneventful for her. What's the point of long if no-one's looking? Sure, 2012 was a big year for her, what with the Royal Jubilee and skydiving for the Olympics, but that's all in the past now. What the Queen needs is a PR strategy to go out on a high. I'm thinking Empire building. Countries that she may wish to conquer/reconquer:

1 - United States of America. Secret Agents Gervais, Laurie, Brand and even Morgan have been among the British spies to have successfully infiltrated the corridors of power in the US TV and film industries. They report that the Yanks are loving everything British right now, including, bizarrely, our whack popstars such as One Direction and Ed Sheeran. The time to act is now. We could launch the invasion in Boston, throwing tea onto US soil as a signal of our intent. But being Americans, they wouldn't understand the irony. Or history. Americans are fat and stupid. We could successfully invade in a week.

2 - Argentina. Lay all this Falklands/Malvinas nonsense to rest. You want the Falklands, Argentina? Well, not only can you not have them but we're taking you into the Commonwealth, too. Have that son! This is for Maradona!

3 - Scotland. You want independence, Salmond and the SNP? Nope! Not on the Queen's watch! We'll march right up there and kick your haggis-eating behinds, just like Queenie's ancestors did time and time and time again. When will you Scots learn? We own you.

4 - Wales. Welsh Assembly? Weak Assembly, more like. Stop all you're silliness and accept our rule.

5 - Ireland. Still a bit of a sensitive one here, Ma'am. Tread carefully.

6 - France. History tells us that the French are pretty weak at fighting. Also that we tend to wipe the floor with them more often than not. Once we whoop their onion-loving behinds, again, we can close the Channel Tunnel. That'd be nice.

7 - Spain. Armada Mark II. This would be epic.

8 - Germany. Let's go for the hat trick.

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