Case 22 - Female authors

"Spank me", says 50 Shades author E.L James. Nah, you're alright, love.

Problem - There is no problem. Instead, there is a massive opportunity. Female authors are currently enjoying somewhat of a Golden Period (That sounds wrong - Ed), enjoying huge success across the globe. J.K Rowling got the ball rolling with Harry Potter, then Stephenie Meyer made a fortune out of ruining vampires and then E.L James got in on the action with her bondage book 50 Shades of Grey. Well done ladies! In my eyes you're the best things to happen to rubbish-yet-popular women's literature since Sue Townsend started writing about Adrian Mole. You've all got more money than you can ever spend. So what now?

Solution - Use your story-telling powers for good. Or for more money.

These immensely powerful authors could play a major part in shaping the world we live in. Imagine if they sold the rights of their next protagonist to the highest bidder? The Tories could guarantee the next election if they bought up Meyer, Rowling and James.

Meet Georgey Osborne, the next Boy Wizard, who must fight off evil, embark on a number of adventures AND fix the economy at the same time. Plus romance. Swoon!

Or meet BoJo, a sex-mad millionaire who meets Nastajia, a young girl who wants crocodile clips placed on her nipples and beaten with a rubber hose. The two have intercourse. Swoon!

Or meet David Cameron. He's an old vampire who falls in love with a teenage girl. (Wait, this can't be right - Ed) The two stare at each other a lot. Swoon!

The beauty is that the Bad Guys in these Epic Adventures could be made into Labour's cronies. Or vice versa if Labour comes out as the highest bidders.

You get the point. Think of how many copies of there books would be sold. Think of the subsequent movies. Think of the merchandise! Indoctrination of a generation through weak yet hugely popular prose.

And it doesn't have to be politicians who harness the power of the world's top three female authors. Mick Hucknall could use them to change attitudes towards gingers and/or middle of the road pop stars. James Corden could use them to make sure he's on TV even more, if that's humanly possible (See James Corden entry - Ed).

The possibilities are endless.

Case 21 - Red Bull

You're heading for a time out, mister!

Problem - Red Bull are the top dogs (bulls, surely - Ed) in F1. Their car is the quickest, their drivers are superb and they claimed an impressive 1-2 at the Malaysian Grand Prix on Sunday. Everything's rosey in the Red Bull garden then? Well, no. Because their Golden Boy, three-time world champion Sebastian Vettel disobeyed team orders by overtaking fellow Red Bull driver Mark Webber to claim victory. This overtake could have gone horribly wrong and could have led to a nasty crash that would have taken both cars out of the race. Red Bull needs to get its drivers under control.

Solution - Supernanny.

Sebastian Vettet is a very talented driver. He will go down in history as being one of the best drivers ever. He'll probably win the title again this year and may go on to surpass Schumacher's achievements in the sport. But he's a spoilt brat. His behaviour could do damage to the team and Red Bull's wider reputation. They need to get a handle on the boy or risk being seen as soft touches.

We recommend getting Supernanny down into the Pit. If Sebastian wants to behave like a toddler then he'll be treated like one. Red Bull could implement a Naughty Step system for when Sebastian steps completely out of line, like he did at the weekend, or, during outbreaks of particularly offensive behaviour, give him a Time Out.

Obviously this will all be filmed and include emotional scenes where Red Bull supremo Christian Horner has to step up and take responsibility for disciplining his young child, supported via video link by Supernanny.

Oh, and Supernanny will be in full Red Bull race gear, naturally.

This could really work.

Sebastian needs to know who's boss

Case 20 - Corrie

Sex Bomb: Look out ladies, this man's got a bus pass.

Problem - Coronation Street has got wind that soap rivals EastEnders has sought the advice of some PR genius and is seriously upping their game (see out EastEnders entry for more - Ed) so the Northern ITV show needs to respond. And fast. It has to be something big, something that will make for compulsive viewing. But what?

Solution - Bill Roache Truman Show.

For those blissfully unaware of Corrie and its cast (I think be could be best friends, you've made a great life choice right there) let me tell you a little bit about actor Bill Roache.

1 - Bill, who played Ken Barlow on the show, claims to have bedded more than 1,000 women - a feat that earned him the name Cock Roache - and dabbled with drugs. He made this omission, filed under Too Much Information, at the tender age of 79. Keep it to yourself, Billy Boy.

2 - Lothario Bill recently said victims of sexual abuse bring it on themselves and that they are paying for their behaviour in previous lives. He also defended paedophiles.

The guy is clearly a nutjob. Russell Brand, Roache is your Ghost of Christmas Future!

Anyway, Corrie can use this to its advantage. Our advice is to put Bill back into the soap without telling him. Truman Show style. Just push him into the Rovers, get him a pint and let the rest happen organically. All the other actors can carry on as they are but will have to ad lib if Roachey gets involved.

The result? Compulsive viewing. Will Bill Roache try his luck with one of the barmaids after one too many pints of bitter? Of course he will. This man's sexual appetite is insatiable! Will Bill come out with any many pearls of wisdom?! Perhaps he'll go in for a bit of Holocaust denial? Sounds like something Roache would come out with. The beauty of the Bill Roache Truman Show Corrie approach is that you never know what he's going to try to penetrate next - a woman or his ever-diminishing reputation.

Case 19 - The BBC

BBC - Dropped the ball on this one chaps

Problem - The BBC is under constant pressure to justify its existence and that of the TV licence fee. It has been ever since the emergence of Sky in the '90s. And to a lesser extent, a much lesser extent, Channel 5. Christ, does anyone actually watch anything on Channel 5?! But I divulge. The Beeb, which has turned good, honest, decent taxpayers' money into My Family and Citizen Khan, among other monstrosities, is under constant pressure to deliver. This situation is not helped by the likes of the Newsnight child abuse broadcast bombshell, which played out like a boring murder mystery thriller, shaking public confidence in Auntie. We need to steady the ship.

Solution - The BBC has a lot going for it. We need to utilise these positives and weed out the shite.

1 - In times of crisis, roll out the Calming Influences. When something anti-BBC breaks, immediately throw something David Attenborough-fronted on BBC1 and chuck Terry Wogan onto BBC Radio 1. That ought to relax the masses, giving Beeb bosses the opportunity to handle whatever dire situation its got itself into.

2 - Throw the British taxpayer a bone by not taking the piss with their money. No more Miranda, Mrs Brown's Boys, My Family, My Hero, Citizen Khan, Not Going Out (featuring Miranda) or any other lowest common denominator, by the numbers sit-coms. I don't give a damn about the viewing figures. The Beeb has a duty of care to its audience. Churning out programmes like the above is the TV equivalent of force-feeding a baby McDonalds every day for a month. The baby may like Happy Meals but it doesn't make it right.

3 - Now that the BBC's got Chris Moyles off its roster, make it stay that way!

4 - Invest more in BBC 6 Music, which is good. Dump BBC Radio 1, which is not.

5 - Someone send Bruce Forsyth to "live on a farm".

6 - Late Night EastEnders (see our EastEnders entry - Ed)

7 - More Liza Tarbuck. Man, I love Liza Tarbuck.

8 - Less Robert Peston. I'd love to take a shovel to Peston's face. Repeatedly.

9 - No more BBC3. And no more shows with Will Mellor in them. We've seen enough.

10 - The Voice? Seriously. Bring back proper Saturday night TV. Start with Big Break. (Minus Jim Davidson, naturally) Go from there.

11 - Three posters shall be placed in all staff rooms; 'Don't Touch Kids', 'Report the News Impartially' and 'Stop Making Period Dramas'.

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Case 18 - The Budget

We like the Briefcase

Problem - It's Budget Day and George Osborne has some bad news for a change. His main problems are that the economy's buggered, there's less growth in the country than on a pre-pubescent boy's top lip, and, worst of all, there's no sign of anything positive on the horizon either. Georgey-boy can't get away with the 'we inherited this mess from Labour' line any more and has made too many promises (most of them broken or not achieved) to make any more. The sharks are circling. This Budget has to be different. It has to have impact, leave the public feeling warm and fuzzy and take the heat of Osborne.

Solution - Introduce the element of chance.

What we recommend is keeping the Briefcase. Everyone likes the briefcase. The briefcase stays. What's more, we have 19 identical briefcases made up. The public loves the red, worn briefcase so let's give them 20 of them.

Next, we have George and his Tory thinkers and planners devise 20 separate Budgets, all slightly different from the last. One raises tax by 0.5%, keeps a lid on inflation and introduces a stealth tax on Mick Hucknall while the next could slash the price of petrol by 50p and get rid of Liverpool. We put each of the 20 Budgets in one of the 20 briefcases. At random.

Then the genius part. We get Glenn MillerBand to play a Budget Deal or no Deal. He has to pick the Budget. One by one he chooses a briefcase and it gets opened to reveal the Budget inside. These Budgets are split into Red (Budgets favoured by Labour) and Blue (Budgets favoured by the Tories). This is all televised live. Osborne can be Noel Edmonds, torturing MillerBand for every Red Budget he chooses, which obviously then gets dismissed.

The beauty of this system is that if it all goes wrong a year down the line, based on the final Briefcase and Budget left, then it's all Steve MillerBand's fault. After all, he chose the bloody Briefcase/Budget. And Osborne comes out of this very nicely indeed. He's entertained the public and taken Noel Edmonds off our TV screens. Win win win!

Budget Deal or no Deal - There's no Banker. Forget about the Banker. 

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Case 17 - Cyprus

Cyprus - now called the Sports Direct Republic of Cyprus

Problem - Cyprus has got itself into a bit of a monetary pickle. From what I gather, the country's banks lent far too much during the Boom Years, particularly to Greece, The Broken Land of Brokedom, and have now been left without a paddle in these dark, dark Bust Years. Cyprus is now financially fudged. To the tune of 16 billion Euros. The European Union has agreed to give them a whopping 10 billion Euro bailout on the condition that Cyprus raises the other 6 billion Euros themselves. Cyprus' political leaders have decided to steal this cash from the bank accounts of its taxpayers, taking most from the lower to middle classes rather than the super rich. This move - and the whole situation - hasn't gone down well with the Cypriot people. We need to have a rethink and spin this somehow to make Cyprus come out of this smelling of roses.

Solution - There's no getting away from the fact that Cyprus needs to find 6 million Euros from somewhere. And fast. But taking it from the people is a bit too much King John for my liking. There must be other solutions. How about this:

1 - Make the most of Ayia Napa by moving into the hard house and illegal drug scenes. Form a Government department to create the sick, sick beats that the Kids go absolutely bonkers for. This will create a number of revenue streams:

A - Music downloads.
B - Holidays in Ayia Napa.
C - Drug-taking in Ayia Napa (form a cartel, impose tax on the drugs)
D - Consider entering the glowsticks market.

This is a bit of a long burner and may take some time - and a number of Now That's What I Call Ayia Napa's Best Government-Funded House Tracks albums - before the 6 million Euro figure is reached.

2 - Consider making a midnight raid on neighbouring countries, making off with their priceless antiquities. Egypt is really close by. I would recommend popping over in the dead of night and swiping a pyramid or two. Perhaps take one of those Sphinxs, too. Any loot you find inside, you keep. Then sell the lot on the black market. 6 million Euros overnight.

3 - Move Cyprus slightly south east so that the country becomes part of mainland Israel. Then get heavily stuck into the Israel/Palestine stuff. No-one will come chasing the money then. There's no way any governing body will want to get involved with that political hot potato. Job done.

4 - Tap up a couple of Cypriot moneybags. I'm looking at you Stelios Haji-Ionnou and Theo Paphitis. Dig deep boys.

5 - Consider selling the naming rights of the country. Sports Direct have got a bit of cash. How about the Sports Direct Republic of Cyprus? Or Wonga-ville? Compare the Market Land?

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Case 16 - EastEnders

Warning: This Kat may lead to erectile disfunction

Problem - EastEnders is awful. Even the most loyal Albert Square aficionado will find it difficult to defend the long-running soap. The acting is horrendous and the storylines are even worse. Big changes are needed to ensure that the arch enemy, those Corrie b*stards, don't take EastEnders' soap crown. God damn those Northern gits with their working-class charm. Damn them to Hell.

Solution - There are a number of avenues that EastEnders' writers may wish to consider:

1 - Get some fit actors/actresses involved. Where's all the bloody talent gone?! There are no attractive people in this show. This needs to be addressed pronto. Also, let's make Kat wear a brown paper bag on her head. Her face is starting to scare the children. And Ian Beale snogging/rumpy pumpy? No-one needs to see that. Ever.

2 - Following on from Point One, how about Late Night EastEnders? You know, along the same lines as Late Night Hollyoaks. After the watershed things in Walford can get a little frisky... just make sure that Kat and Beale (as above) are not involved. Throw Sharon and Mitchell into that exclusion zone as well. Dot's fine, though. Oooh I'd love to see some Late Night Dot action. (You're not quite right, are you? - Ed)

3 - Let's have a bit more realism. There's the Queen Vic, but no-one gets pissed and falls over. Let's have an episode where a Family just stays in, has a bit of dinner, watches TV for a bit and then calls it a night. You know, like normal families do. Why all the drama all the time? And for the love of God, get rid of the bloody market. This market has to be the most successful one of its kind in the world. Who would buy disco clobber off a market stall at those flipping prices?! £25 for a skirt? Yeah, go on then. It's more expensive than something in Dotty Ps but why not?

4 - Drop the Hardnut storylines. How old is Phil Mitchell now? 80? He is not hard. He finds it difficult to breathe. Move him in with Patrick and be done with the Hard Man nonsense.

5 - Kill off 90 per cent of the cast. I hate them all.

6 - The diversity tick box exercise is offensive. Having an Indian family involved just for the sake of it is really weak. You might as well call them the Tokens.

7 - Bring back Barry.

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Case 15 - F1

F1 - motorised bore-fest.

Problem - Formula One can be pretty dull. There's precious little competition off the track, with only two or three teams possessing the necessary funding to put out a decent car, with the knock on effect being there's precious little competition on the track. Only one of four drivers will win the Championship this year. It's harder than ever to overtake nowadays. It's all got a bit boring. Formula One needs a makeover.

Solution - F1 needs a new element. Something fun and/or dangerous, I would suggest. Here are some thoughts we can work with:

1 - Make the cars structurally stronger and then encourage pile ups and collisions. That's what most people are watching for anyway! Tell the drivers they'll get bonus points for wiping rivals out.

2 - Further to Point One, adopt a Wacky Races element to proceedings. Allow each team to add a number of signature weapons/gadgets to their cars. Man, I used to love Wacky Races.

3 - While we're on the subject of timeless cartoons, why not introduce a bit of Wile E Coyote to F1? Have a designated villain set up a number of hilariously flawed traps all over the racetrack. Keeps it interesting.

4 - Ramp up the rivalry between the drivers. We're thinking Soap Style. Perhaps Lewis Hamilton can start dating Mark Webber's mum. And then ditch her at the altar. Or maybe Alonso can beat up Jenson Button's dad? Spice. Things. Up.

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Case 14 - The Queen

The Queen: One is ready to kick ones ass. 

Problem - The Queen's had a bit of a sh*t week (nice gastroenteritis gag - Ed), rounding off what has been a fairly lacklustre 2013 thus far. Her Majesty's problem is that the future looks bleak for her, too. All eyes are on Wills & Kate and their forthcoming bundle of joy. Soon the Queen will have to step down, at which point she'll become the King's Mum (in case of Charles) or King's Nan (in case of Wills) or even the Ginger King's Nan (in the rare case of 'Arry). She should be thinking about her legacy. How does she want to be remembered?

Solution - The Queen's time atop the British Monarchy has been long, there's no doubt about that, but it's been fairly uneventful for her. What's the point of long if no-one's looking? Sure, 2012 was a big year for her, what with the Royal Jubilee and skydiving for the Olympics, but that's all in the past now. What the Queen needs is a PR strategy to go out on a high. I'm thinking Empire building. Countries that she may wish to conquer/reconquer:

1 - United States of America. Secret Agents Gervais, Laurie, Brand and even Morgan have been among the British spies to have successfully infiltrated the corridors of power in the US TV and film industries. They report that the Yanks are loving everything British right now, including, bizarrely, our whack popstars such as One Direction and Ed Sheeran. The time to act is now. We could launch the invasion in Boston, throwing tea onto US soil as a signal of our intent. But being Americans, they wouldn't understand the irony. Or history. Americans are fat and stupid. We could successfully invade in a week.

2 - Argentina. Lay all this Falklands/Malvinas nonsense to rest. You want the Falklands, Argentina? Well, not only can you not have them but we're taking you into the Commonwealth, too. Have that son! This is for Maradona!

3 - Scotland. You want independence, Salmond and the SNP? Nope! Not on the Queen's watch! We'll march right up there and kick your haggis-eating behinds, just like Queenie's ancestors did time and time and time again. When will you Scots learn? We own you.

4 - Wales. Welsh Assembly? Weak Assembly, more like. Stop all you're silliness and accept our rule.

5 - Ireland. Still a bit of a sensitive one here, Ma'am. Tread carefully.

6 - France. History tells us that the French are pretty weak at fighting. Also that we tend to wipe the floor with them more often than not. Once we whoop their onion-loving behinds, again, we can close the Channel Tunnel. That'd be nice.

7 - Spain. Armada Mark II. This would be epic.

8 - Germany. Let's go for the hat trick.

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Case 13 - Chris Huhne

Huhne - He fought the law and the law won.

Problem - Politician turned convict Chris Huhne has suffered a humiliating fall from grace to the extent that he's practically transformed into Jeffrey Archer Mk II. He's followed the same footsteps as his fellow former elected Member - going from MP to HMP. It could have been so very different for Huhne. He was once regarded as one of Westminster's brightest prospects. But over recent years the wheels have fallen off in somewhat spectacular fashion.

He was caught up in the expenses scandal, then he was caught with his trousers down (take a bow, mistress Carina Trimingham) and finally caught by a speed camera. One furious ex-wife-led, revenge-fuelled court case later and he's been locked up for eight months.

With good behaviour Huhne will be out soon. But what next for his post-political career?

Solution - Huhne has just started his stretch, so has time consider his options, which include:

1 - Getting buff behind bars. Press ups all day, weightlifting all night should just about do it. If Huhne gets himself some Guns then he could just earn himself the odd work out DVD deal when he gets released.

2 - Try his hand at writing. If it worked for Archer then it could work for Huhne.

3 - Ramp up the convict angle. He could try 'shanking' a fellow con as pay back for 'dissing' him in some way or another. Sure, Huhne would end up serving more time for this assault / attempted murder but it would beef up his bad boy image. The public loves a naughty ex con. Just look at Johnny Vaughan.

4 - Get back together with his ex wife. Magazine deals will pour in, as will heart-to-heart interviews on This Morning and other offensively dumb chat shows. Just when the public grows tired of their rekindled romance Huhne could cheat on and dump her sorry ass again. And then repeat the cycle as appropriate. On/off relationships are very now.

5 - Panto.

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Case 12 - James Corden

James Corden - currently endorsing everything in the world

Problem - "James Corden is great. He wrote Gavin & Stacey, remember that? Oh. My. God. That was funny. He played Smithy, didn't he. Yeah, he was well funny. Gav-lar. Hahaha." So said everyone in Britain a couple of years ago. If only we knew the full horror James Corden's success was going to have. Since Gavin & Stacey, Corden has 'starred' in:

1 - Lesbian Vampire Killers - the worst film ever made. Ever.
2 - The Horne & Corden sketch show - the worst sketch show ever made.
3 - The Brits 2013 - the worst awards show ever presented.
4 - 600 adverts - and counting.
5 - A League of Their Own. Rip-off sports panel show.
6 - The History Boys - fair play, pretty decent.

Corden is seriously trying the British public's patience by stretching himself thinner than a wafer thin mint. Not only does he feature in nearly every TV show on television he's now in almost every bloody advert, too! He needs some good PR to save his career before it's too late and he goes the way of Horne (What's he up to nowadays? Is he still alive?).

Solution - All is not lost for Corden. Here's how he can get back to those G&S highs.

1 - Try turning down a job offer. Anything. When his agent calls and says "James, I've been asked if you're free to..." he should try letting him finish before screaming "Yes! I'll do it. I'll take their money, let them have my soul and integrity, I have no need for them now." It might be good for him to sod off for a while. Try not being on TV for a day. Then take it from there.

2 - Stop with that stupid laugh. It's dumb. If it weren't for Jimmy Carr's pathetic guffaw he would have the worst laugh in comedy. People will feel less inclined to punch him in his fat face if he got a better laugh.

3 - Lose some weight. I'm not being mean to Corden here. The British public like their celebs thin and trim, by and large (no pun intended). Perhaps he could do a Walliams - raise loads of wonga for charity as a way of making the public forget how he's such a one-trick 'look at me, I'm a bit camp' pony.

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Case 11 - God

Oh. My. God.

Problem - Science is kicking God's ass. 500 years ago, before We, as human beings, knew an awful lot about an awful lot, God and The Bible were riding high on a river of great PR coverage. God comes across pretty well in the Bible, creating everything in the universe and then giving His son to us and not getting all super p*ssed when we killed him. Yes, there are inconsistencies in the Bible and God's teachings, but by and large God was untouchable. Kings and Queens build castles to Him, fought in His name and whatnot. Good times for God. Then came the Enlightenment, science and thinking and it's all gone a bit downhill from there. Now wars and acts of terrorism are carried out in His name (we're taking God as a representation of all Deities, fyi), Church attendances are down, and Catholic priests / Anglican Bishops keep touching little boys. Something must be done.

Solution - God must step up His game. I'm sure Creation was a tough week, but come on God, you've had a long rest now. Let's get involved, yeah? Here's a few suggestions:

1: Act of God. Try and keep it positive. No earthquakes, 40-day floods or monsoons. Sure, they're impressive but they kill a lot of people. That's never good for your long-term image. How about showing yourself on a piece of toast? You're right, too small fry. How about making it rain kittens wearing little 'Act of God' bibs? Everyone loves kittens.

2: Send Jesus back to us. This time wearing sunglasses and with a slight - and entirely justified - chip on his shoulder. Let Him fire off a few one-liners, bringing humanity down a notch or two. He could start with something like: "It's good to be back, Earth. Man.... you guys have really dropped the ball on this one."

3: Consider giving Believers a sixth sense. Something to encourage us back into Church on a Sunday morning. Telepathy would do it. Or maybe telekinesis.

4: Wipe out all the right-wing Bible bashers. People like the Westboro Baptist Church. They do nothing for your image. Televangelists, too. You need to get rid of them. Which brings us on to point 5.

5: Consider releasing new Commandments, packaged up as Commandments 2.0. Set the record straight on a few issues:

a - homosexuality, is this ok?
b - Wars in your name, this ok?

You get the idea. God has taken a pounding since the Theory of Evolution et al. One Act of God is all it would take to make Darwin suck it. Think about it.


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Case 10 - Pope Benedict XVI

 Steve... Steve... get us a pint, mate. Cheers. 

Problem - Pope Benedict XVI (above) has left the Vatican. Breaking a 600-year trend, Benedict took the decision to step down, as opposed to working right up to the Very End and he's now been put out to stud, well the Catholic equivalent. Everything's great now, the world's press can't get enough of him. But soon there'll be Pope XVII and Benedict will be forgotten. Unless...

Solution - Benedict XVI has to stay in the game. Here's how:

1: Continue to Tweet. Now he's no longer the big cheese perhaps Benedict can reposition himself as the Perez Hilton of Catholicism. The occasional bitchy tweet slagging off a Bishop's choice of gown or extracurricular activities would show Benedict's human side.

2: Become the media's global expert on all things Catholic, their go-to guy. What better way to keep himself in the public eye than to be the first on the phone when the sh*t hits the fan? And as Benedict XVI is no longer Pope, he can be as scathing and open as he likes. "Bishop Johnson's been nicked? About time, if you ask me. He's well dodgy. Everyone knew he was a bit of a wrong 'un." Classic Benedict.

3: Revel-all feature in Take a Break.

4: Go anti-Catholic crazy. Get married or something.


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Case 9 - Hipsters

Hipsters. I hate you all.

Problem - Every generation has their Cool Kids, the dedicated followers of fashion; wearing the right clothes, listening to the right music and using the same lingo. By and large these cliques pass by after a while having not really bothered the rest of society. Then came the Hipsters. Everyone hates Hipsters. This is how Hipsters have evolved (video below). How do we solve this?

Solution - Modesty, restraint and a backhand to the face, if required. Here's a few tips to make the average Hipster less offensive and rage-inducing.

1: Hipsters should recognise that they are not unique. Their aversion to 'the mainstream' is based in good intentions, rejecting globalisation and global brands. But the irony - the ultimate irony - is that there push for No Logo revolution has seen them complete a 360 by paying over the odds for the Hipster uniform. Stupid glasses. Stupid low cut T-shirts. Stupid skinny jeans. Stupid trainers. All available at every High Street menswear shop. Also, stop loitering in Starbucks. Starbucks of all places! You can't be a bloody Hipster and buy Starbucks, dipsh*t!

2: As above: put the chest hair away. You look like a knob. If you don't have a problem with you eye sight, stop wearing glasses. Etc.

3: Recognise the difference between Retro and Faux Retro. Also, that no-one gives a damn about your commitment to the retro-look, which we've already established has been bought from a Swanky Retro store that's charged you £100 for an old Adidas zip up. You're an idiot.

4: Stop with Instagram. For the love of God stop.

5: Stop with your crappy blogs. No-one cares what you have to say. (Move on quickly, please - Ed)

6: Hipsters. Cut the hippy b*llshit. Seriously. The way you learned tosspots act it's like the 60s and 70s never happened. What you do has been done before. Done to death. So stop with the self-righteous Fighting the Man b*llocks. You've got a trust fund and you're from the Home Counties. Get a job.

7: Watch this video and learn.

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Case 8 - Justin Bieber

Done with the tweens. 

Problem - Justin's made millions of dollars through cornering the teeny-bopper market, singing love songs to eight-year-olds even though that comes across a little Jimmy Savile-y. But fair play, the money's in the bank and no-one can take that away from him. But now he wants more. Bieber not only wants adoration, money and fame, he now wants respect. We'll see what we can do.

Solution - He's got options, the kid. But first things first, he's got to ditch the teen crowd. Treat them like crap and still take their money. Just act like a b*tch. (update - http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/music/news/a463254/justin-bieber-arrives-on-stage-two-hours-late-for-london-o2-arena-gig.html?utm_source=tw&utm_medium=dsuk&utm_campaign=twdsuk - well done, Justin! Mission accomplished!)

Right, now he can focus on getting the respect he desires. To do this he could:

1: Get more tattoos. And not the lame ones he's already got.

2: Get married to some tramp. Jordan, Courtney Love, someone dirty like that.

3: Get shot. Get gangster. Nothing says credibility like a drive by.

4: Write some songs with rap segments in them and get a rapper in to rap on them. It's urban, it's edgy.

5: Follow Justin Timberlake's career. The boy started out in N'Sync and now he's single-handedly brought Sexy Back.

6: Swear. A lot. Try smoking weed everyday. See Rihanna for tips. Do not see Chris Brown for tips.

7: Keep up the Bad Boy image. And stop saying stuff like: "I want girls to hear my music and want to play it again because it made their hearts feel good." That's weak, Justin.

8: Come out as gay? It's 2013. It's ok.

9: Go through puberty.

10: Consider doing Time for something badass but short of murder. Maybe drink driving or drugs. See Charlie Sheen for advice. Not Lindsay Lohan.

11: Sex tape.


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Case 7 - Comic Relief

Putting the relief in Comic Relief

Problem - Comic Relief, as a fundraiser, is phenomenally successful. It continues to raise record sums for charitable causes both at home and further afield year-on-year. All very good, all very noble. Well done Comic Relief fundraisers, well done Great British Public. The problem Comic Relief has is that Comic Relief, the TV show, is utter toss. What can be done about this?

Solution - There's two ways of dealing with this. Improve output or make it worse, much worse.

1: Improve.

Comic Relief is like Mecca to awful TV presenters and comedians, giving them a vehicle to step back in front of the cameras in spite of zero public demand and/or discernible talent. There is no excuse for Davina McCall and her stupid face. And yet she'll probably be wheeled out alongside James Bloody Corden to entertain the masses in between celeb-fronted heartstring-pullers from some African nightmare. The horror... the horror... of having to watch McCall and Corden. Incidentally, is there a job James Corden has turned down? Ever?

The list of washed-up or bland hosts is as long as your arm. What happened Comic Relief? You used to be edgy. Now you're just annoying. Get Frankie Boyle to spice things up. Or put Russell Brand in a room with Andrew Sachs' granddaughter and see what happens. In short, give the public an excuse to watch Comic Relief. Not a reason to want to put their boot through their television screen.

2: Take the sh*tathon to another level.

The alternative is to make watching Comic Relief compulsory for all, with something like a £10 minimum donation opt-out. The system would work like this: Comic Relief gets Claudia Winkleman, Davina, Corden, Lenny F*cking How Am I Sill on TV Henry et al to present their usual 'sketches' until the viewing public cannot take any more. Force them to hand over £10 for a special code so they can turn their TVs off. We can work out a system of how this might work, but you get the idea. Comic Relief can scrap the trips to Africa, too. They'll raise much more by showing close ups of Davina Foghorn for a full, uninterrupted hour. Or more if the public refuse to comply. This option will definitely raise record sums. But it may quickly become added to the vast array of banned methods of warfare and torture listed in the Geneva Convention. So act now to generate the most income.


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Case 6 - Politicians

Own up, who voted for this lot?

Problem - The public do not like you or trust politicians (represented above). There is a growing sense that politicians, regardless of political affiliation, are all the same - posh, public-school-educated, party-line-toeing puppets (Enough of that, please - Ed), totally disconnected to the masses in more ways than one. No-one cares what they have to say or what they're trying to do as they're only interested in feathering their own nests and engaging in sordid sexual encounters that the public would rather not know about or, worst case scenario, suffer the horror of conjuring up a mental image of. The challenge is to make politicians more appealing to the public and thereby create interest in politics as a whole.

Solution - The solution is thus:

1: When asked a direct question, politicians should provide a direct answer. Do not follow Ed Miliband's example (below).

2: Do away with the House of Lords. No need for reform, just turn the central heating off and wait for nature to run its course. 

3:  Politicians should not try to become something they are not. David Cameron's 'Call me Dave' policy rightly flopped. The public does not want to call him Dave. They want (or at least some of them) a Leader. The fact that Mr Cameron is a Posh Toff is a plus point, not a negative. The country is not looking for a PM to have a pint with, thank you very much. Although, refraining from further increasing tax on booze would go down a charm. Use Boris 'BoJo' Johnson as a yardstick. London voted for him because of, not in spite of, his better-than-you attitude and use of language and Latin. Stop dancing, playing sports, getting down with the kids, drinking alcohol, going to Greggs (remember that?) and holding babies. 

4: Stop attacking other Parties and focus on the main issue. All this sniping and 'they did this when in office' nonsense is boring. Maggie Thatcher is gone. So is Tony Blair. And even Gordon Brown. Let it go. Focus should be on what each Party has to offer now. 

5: Stop with the sex scandals. Just gross. 

6: No more career politicians. As a general rule of thumb, anyone who has always wanted to become a politician should never be allowed to become one. 

7: Feel free to punch people who throw eggs. F*ck those guys. 

8: Tell the truth. It helps. 

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