Case 16 - EastEnders

Warning: This Kat may lead to erectile disfunction

Problem - EastEnders is awful. Even the most loyal Albert Square aficionado will find it difficult to defend the long-running soap. The acting is horrendous and the storylines are even worse. Big changes are needed to ensure that the arch enemy, those Corrie b*stards, don't take EastEnders' soap crown. God damn those Northern gits with their working-class charm. Damn them to Hell.

Solution - There are a number of avenues that EastEnders' writers may wish to consider:

1 - Get some fit actors/actresses involved. Where's all the bloody talent gone?! There are no attractive people in this show. This needs to be addressed pronto. Also, let's make Kat wear a brown paper bag on her head. Her face is starting to scare the children. And Ian Beale snogging/rumpy pumpy? No-one needs to see that. Ever.

2 - Following on from Point One, how about Late Night EastEnders? You know, along the same lines as Late Night Hollyoaks. After the watershed things in Walford can get a little frisky... just make sure that Kat and Beale (as above) are not involved. Throw Sharon and Mitchell into that exclusion zone as well. Dot's fine, though. Oooh I'd love to see some Late Night Dot action. (You're not quite right, are you? - Ed)

3 - Let's have a bit more realism. There's the Queen Vic, but no-one gets pissed and falls over. Let's have an episode where a Family just stays in, has a bit of dinner, watches TV for a bit and then calls it a night. You know, like normal families do. Why all the drama all the time? And for the love of God, get rid of the bloody market. This market has to be the most successful one of its kind in the world. Who would buy disco clobber off a market stall at those flipping prices?! £25 for a skirt? Yeah, go on then. It's more expensive than something in Dotty Ps but why not?

4 - Drop the Hardnut storylines. How old is Phil Mitchell now? 80? He is not hard. He finds it difficult to breathe. Move him in with Patrick and be done with the Hard Man nonsense.

5 - Kill off 90 per cent of the cast. I hate them all.

6 - The diversity tick box exercise is offensive. Having an Indian family involved just for the sake of it is really weak. You might as well call them the Tokens.

7 - Bring back Barry.

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Case 15 - F1

F1 - motorised bore-fest.

Problem - Formula One can be pretty dull. There's precious little competition off the track, with only two or three teams possessing the necessary funding to put out a decent car, with the knock on effect being there's precious little competition on the track. Only one of four drivers will win the Championship this year. It's harder than ever to overtake nowadays. It's all got a bit boring. Formula One needs a makeover.

Solution - F1 needs a new element. Something fun and/or dangerous, I would suggest. Here are some thoughts we can work with:

1 - Make the cars structurally stronger and then encourage pile ups and collisions. That's what most people are watching for anyway! Tell the drivers they'll get bonus points for wiping rivals out.

2 - Further to Point One, adopt a Wacky Races element to proceedings. Allow each team to add a number of signature weapons/gadgets to their cars. Man, I used to love Wacky Races.

3 - While we're on the subject of timeless cartoons, why not introduce a bit of Wile E Coyote to F1? Have a designated villain set up a number of hilariously flawed traps all over the racetrack. Keeps it interesting.

4 - Ramp up the rivalry between the drivers. We're thinking Soap Style. Perhaps Lewis Hamilton can start dating Mark Webber's mum. And then ditch her at the altar. Or maybe Alonso can beat up Jenson Button's dad? Spice. Things. Up.

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Case 14 - The Queen

The Queen: One is ready to kick ones ass. 

Problem - The Queen's had a bit of a sh*t week (nice gastroenteritis gag - Ed), rounding off what has been a fairly lacklustre 2013 thus far. Her Majesty's problem is that the future looks bleak for her, too. All eyes are on Wills & Kate and their forthcoming bundle of joy. Soon the Queen will have to step down, at which point she'll become the King's Mum (in case of Charles) or King's Nan (in case of Wills) or even the Ginger King's Nan (in the rare case of 'Arry). She should be thinking about her legacy. How does she want to be remembered?

Solution - The Queen's time atop the British Monarchy has been long, there's no doubt about that, but it's been fairly uneventful for her. What's the point of long if no-one's looking? Sure, 2012 was a big year for her, what with the Royal Jubilee and skydiving for the Olympics, but that's all in the past now. What the Queen needs is a PR strategy to go out on a high. I'm thinking Empire building. Countries that she may wish to conquer/reconquer:

1 - United States of America. Secret Agents Gervais, Laurie, Brand and even Morgan have been among the British spies to have successfully infiltrated the corridors of power in the US TV and film industries. They report that the Yanks are loving everything British right now, including, bizarrely, our whack popstars such as One Direction and Ed Sheeran. The time to act is now. We could launch the invasion in Boston, throwing tea onto US soil as a signal of our intent. But being Americans, they wouldn't understand the irony. Or history. Americans are fat and stupid. We could successfully invade in a week.

2 - Argentina. Lay all this Falklands/Malvinas nonsense to rest. You want the Falklands, Argentina? Well, not only can you not have them but we're taking you into the Commonwealth, too. Have that son! This is for Maradona!

3 - Scotland. You want independence, Salmond and the SNP? Nope! Not on the Queen's watch! We'll march right up there and kick your haggis-eating behinds, just like Queenie's ancestors did time and time and time again. When will you Scots learn? We own you.

4 - Wales. Welsh Assembly? Weak Assembly, more like. Stop all you're silliness and accept our rule.

5 - Ireland. Still a bit of a sensitive one here, Ma'am. Tread carefully.

6 - France. History tells us that the French are pretty weak at fighting. Also that we tend to wipe the floor with them more often than not. Once we whoop their onion-loving behinds, again, we can close the Channel Tunnel. That'd be nice.

7 - Spain. Armada Mark II. This would be epic.

8 - Germany. Let's go for the hat trick.

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Case 13 - Chris Huhne

Huhne - He fought the law and the law won.

Problem - Politician turned convict Chris Huhne has suffered a humiliating fall from grace to the extent that he's practically transformed into Jeffrey Archer Mk II. He's followed the same footsteps as his fellow former elected Member - going from MP to HMP. It could have been so very different for Huhne. He was once regarded as one of Westminster's brightest prospects. But over recent years the wheels have fallen off in somewhat spectacular fashion.

He was caught up in the expenses scandal, then he was caught with his trousers down (take a bow, mistress Carina Trimingham) and finally caught by a speed camera. One furious ex-wife-led, revenge-fuelled court case later and he's been locked up for eight months.

With good behaviour Huhne will be out soon. But what next for his post-political career?

Solution - Huhne has just started his stretch, so has time consider his options, which include:

1 - Getting buff behind bars. Press ups all day, weightlifting all night should just about do it. If Huhne gets himself some Guns then he could just earn himself the odd work out DVD deal when he gets released.

2 - Try his hand at writing. If it worked for Archer then it could work for Huhne.

3 - Ramp up the convict angle. He could try 'shanking' a fellow con as pay back for 'dissing' him in some way or another. Sure, Huhne would end up serving more time for this assault / attempted murder but it would beef up his bad boy image. The public loves a naughty ex con. Just look at Johnny Vaughan.

4 - Get back together with his ex wife. Magazine deals will pour in, as will heart-to-heart interviews on This Morning and other offensively dumb chat shows. Just when the public grows tired of their rekindled romance Huhne could cheat on and dump her sorry ass again. And then repeat the cycle as appropriate. On/off relationships are very now.

5 - Panto.

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Case 12 - James Corden

James Corden - currently endorsing everything in the world

Problem - "James Corden is great. He wrote Gavin & Stacey, remember that? Oh. My. God. That was funny. He played Smithy, didn't he. Yeah, he was well funny. Gav-lar. Hahaha." So said everyone in Britain a couple of years ago. If only we knew the full horror James Corden's success was going to have. Since Gavin & Stacey, Corden has 'starred' in:

1 - Lesbian Vampire Killers - the worst film ever made. Ever.
2 - The Horne & Corden sketch show - the worst sketch show ever made.
3 - The Brits 2013 - the worst awards show ever presented.
4 - 600 adverts - and counting.
5 - A League of Their Own. Rip-off sports panel show.
6 - The History Boys - fair play, pretty decent.

Corden is seriously trying the British public's patience by stretching himself thinner than a wafer thin mint. Not only does he feature in nearly every TV show on television he's now in almost every bloody advert, too! He needs some good PR to save his career before it's too late and he goes the way of Horne (What's he up to nowadays? Is he still alive?).

Solution - All is not lost for Corden. Here's how he can get back to those G&S highs.

1 - Try turning down a job offer. Anything. When his agent calls and says "James, I've been asked if you're free to..." he should try letting him finish before screaming "Yes! I'll do it. I'll take their money, let them have my soul and integrity, I have no need for them now." It might be good for him to sod off for a while. Try not being on TV for a day. Then take it from there.

2 - Stop with that stupid laugh. It's dumb. If it weren't for Jimmy Carr's pathetic guffaw he would have the worst laugh in comedy. People will feel less inclined to punch him in his fat face if he got a better laugh.

3 - Lose some weight. I'm not being mean to Corden here. The British public like their celebs thin and trim, by and large (no pun intended). Perhaps he could do a Walliams - raise loads of wonga for charity as a way of making the public forget how he's such a one-trick 'look at me, I'm a bit camp' pony.

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Case 11 - God

Oh. My. God.

Problem - Science is kicking God's ass. 500 years ago, before We, as human beings, knew an awful lot about an awful lot, God and The Bible were riding high on a river of great PR coverage. God comes across pretty well in the Bible, creating everything in the universe and then giving His son to us and not getting all super p*ssed when we killed him. Yes, there are inconsistencies in the Bible and God's teachings, but by and large God was untouchable. Kings and Queens build castles to Him, fought in His name and whatnot. Good times for God. Then came the Enlightenment, science and thinking and it's all gone a bit downhill from there. Now wars and acts of terrorism are carried out in His name (we're taking God as a representation of all Deities, fyi), Church attendances are down, and Catholic priests / Anglican Bishops keep touching little boys. Something must be done.

Solution - God must step up His game. I'm sure Creation was a tough week, but come on God, you've had a long rest now. Let's get involved, yeah? Here's a few suggestions:

1: Act of God. Try and keep it positive. No earthquakes, 40-day floods or monsoons. Sure, they're impressive but they kill a lot of people. That's never good for your long-term image. How about showing yourself on a piece of toast? You're right, too small fry. How about making it rain kittens wearing little 'Act of God' bibs? Everyone loves kittens.

2: Send Jesus back to us. This time wearing sunglasses and with a slight - and entirely justified - chip on his shoulder. Let Him fire off a few one-liners, bringing humanity down a notch or two. He could start with something like: "It's good to be back, Earth. Man.... you guys have really dropped the ball on this one."

3: Consider giving Believers a sixth sense. Something to encourage us back into Church on a Sunday morning. Telepathy would do it. Or maybe telekinesis.

4: Wipe out all the right-wing Bible bashers. People like the Westboro Baptist Church. They do nothing for your image. Televangelists, too. You need to get rid of them. Which brings us on to point 5.

5: Consider releasing new Commandments, packaged up as Commandments 2.0. Set the record straight on a few issues:

a - homosexuality, is this ok?
b - Wars in your name, this ok?

You get the idea. God has taken a pounding since the Theory of Evolution et al. One Act of God is all it would take to make Darwin suck it. Think about it.


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Case 10 - Pope Benedict XVI

 Steve... Steve... get us a pint, mate. Cheers. 

Problem - Pope Benedict XVI (above) has left the Vatican. Breaking a 600-year trend, Benedict took the decision to step down, as opposed to working right up to the Very End and he's now been put out to stud, well the Catholic equivalent. Everything's great now, the world's press can't get enough of him. But soon there'll be Pope XVII and Benedict will be forgotten. Unless...

Solution - Benedict XVI has to stay in the game. Here's how:

1: Continue to Tweet. Now he's no longer the big cheese perhaps Benedict can reposition himself as the Perez Hilton of Catholicism. The occasional bitchy tweet slagging off a Bishop's choice of gown or extracurricular activities would show Benedict's human side.

2: Become the media's global expert on all things Catholic, their go-to guy. What better way to keep himself in the public eye than to be the first on the phone when the sh*t hits the fan? And as Benedict XVI is no longer Pope, he can be as scathing and open as he likes. "Bishop Johnson's been nicked? About time, if you ask me. He's well dodgy. Everyone knew he was a bit of a wrong 'un." Classic Benedict.

3: Revel-all feature in Take a Break.

4: Go anti-Catholic crazy. Get married or something.


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