Case 12 - James Corden

James Corden - currently endorsing everything in the world

Problem - "James Corden is great. He wrote Gavin & Stacey, remember that? Oh. My. God. That was funny. He played Smithy, didn't he. Yeah, he was well funny. Gav-lar. Hahaha." So said everyone in Britain a couple of years ago. If only we knew the full horror James Corden's success was going to have. Since Gavin & Stacey, Corden has 'starred' in:

1 - Lesbian Vampire Killers - the worst film ever made. Ever.
2 - The Horne & Corden sketch show - the worst sketch show ever made.
3 - The Brits 2013 - the worst awards show ever presented.
4 - 600 adverts - and counting.
5 - A League of Their Own. Rip-off sports panel show.
6 - The History Boys - fair play, pretty decent.

Corden is seriously trying the British public's patience by stretching himself thinner than a wafer thin mint. Not only does he feature in nearly every TV show on television he's now in almost every bloody advert, too! He needs some good PR to save his career before it's too late and he goes the way of Horne (What's he up to nowadays? Is he still alive?).

Solution - All is not lost for Corden. Here's how he can get back to those G&S highs.

1 - Try turning down a job offer. Anything. When his agent calls and says "James, I've been asked if you're free to..." he should try letting him finish before screaming "Yes! I'll do it. I'll take their money, let them have my soul and integrity, I have no need for them now." It might be good for him to sod off for a while. Try not being on TV for a day. Then take it from there.

2 - Stop with that stupid laugh. It's dumb. If it weren't for Jimmy Carr's pathetic guffaw he would have the worst laugh in comedy. People will feel less inclined to punch him in his fat face if he got a better laugh.

3 - Lose some weight. I'm not being mean to Corden here. The British public like their celebs thin and trim, by and large (no pun intended). Perhaps he could do a Walliams - raise loads of wonga for charity as a way of making the public forget how he's such a one-trick 'look at me, I'm a bit camp' pony.

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Case 11 - God

Oh. My. God.

Problem - Science is kicking God's ass. 500 years ago, before We, as human beings, knew an awful lot about an awful lot, God and The Bible were riding high on a river of great PR coverage. God comes across pretty well in the Bible, creating everything in the universe and then giving His son to us and not getting all super p*ssed when we killed him. Yes, there are inconsistencies in the Bible and God's teachings, but by and large God was untouchable. Kings and Queens build castles to Him, fought in His name and whatnot. Good times for God. Then came the Enlightenment, science and thinking and it's all gone a bit downhill from there. Now wars and acts of terrorism are carried out in His name (we're taking God as a representation of all Deities, fyi), Church attendances are down, and Catholic priests / Anglican Bishops keep touching little boys. Something must be done.

Solution - God must step up His game. I'm sure Creation was a tough week, but come on God, you've had a long rest now. Let's get involved, yeah? Here's a few suggestions:

1: Act of God. Try and keep it positive. No earthquakes, 40-day floods or monsoons. Sure, they're impressive but they kill a lot of people. That's never good for your long-term image. How about showing yourself on a piece of toast? You're right, too small fry. How about making it rain kittens wearing little 'Act of God' bibs? Everyone loves kittens.

2: Send Jesus back to us. This time wearing sunglasses and with a slight - and entirely justified - chip on his shoulder. Let Him fire off a few one-liners, bringing humanity down a notch or two. He could start with something like: "It's good to be back, Earth. Man.... you guys have really dropped the ball on this one."

3: Consider giving Believers a sixth sense. Something to encourage us back into Church on a Sunday morning. Telepathy would do it. Or maybe telekinesis.

4: Wipe out all the right-wing Bible bashers. People like the Westboro Baptist Church. They do nothing for your image. Televangelists, too. You need to get rid of them. Which brings us on to point 5.

5: Consider releasing new Commandments, packaged up as Commandments 2.0. Set the record straight on a few issues:

a - homosexuality, is this ok?
b - Wars in your name, this ok?

You get the idea. God has taken a pounding since the Theory of Evolution et al. One Act of God is all it would take to make Darwin suck it. Think about it.


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Case 10 - Pope Benedict XVI

 Steve... Steve... get us a pint, mate. Cheers. 

Problem - Pope Benedict XVI (above) has left the Vatican. Breaking a 600-year trend, Benedict took the decision to step down, as opposed to working right up to the Very End and he's now been put out to stud, well the Catholic equivalent. Everything's great now, the world's press can't get enough of him. But soon there'll be Pope XVII and Benedict will be forgotten. Unless...

Solution - Benedict XVI has to stay in the game. Here's how:

1: Continue to Tweet. Now he's no longer the big cheese perhaps Benedict can reposition himself as the Perez Hilton of Catholicism. The occasional bitchy tweet slagging off a Bishop's choice of gown or extracurricular activities would show Benedict's human side.

2: Become the media's global expert on all things Catholic, their go-to guy. What better way to keep himself in the public eye than to be the first on the phone when the sh*t hits the fan? And as Benedict XVI is no longer Pope, he can be as scathing and open as he likes. "Bishop Johnson's been nicked? About time, if you ask me. He's well dodgy. Everyone knew he was a bit of a wrong 'un." Classic Benedict.

3: Revel-all feature in Take a Break.

4: Go anti-Catholic crazy. Get married or something.


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Case 9 - Hipsters

Hipsters. I hate you all.

Problem - Every generation has their Cool Kids, the dedicated followers of fashion; wearing the right clothes, listening to the right music and using the same lingo. By and large these cliques pass by after a while having not really bothered the rest of society. Then came the Hipsters. Everyone hates Hipsters. This is how Hipsters have evolved (video below). How do we solve this?

Solution - Modesty, restraint and a backhand to the face, if required. Here's a few tips to make the average Hipster less offensive and rage-inducing.

1: Hipsters should recognise that they are not unique. Their aversion to 'the mainstream' is based in good intentions, rejecting globalisation and global brands. But the irony - the ultimate irony - is that there push for No Logo revolution has seen them complete a 360 by paying over the odds for the Hipster uniform. Stupid glasses. Stupid low cut T-shirts. Stupid skinny jeans. Stupid trainers. All available at every High Street menswear shop. Also, stop loitering in Starbucks. Starbucks of all places! You can't be a bloody Hipster and buy Starbucks, dipsh*t!

2: As above: put the chest hair away. You look like a knob. If you don't have a problem with you eye sight, stop wearing glasses. Etc.

3: Recognise the difference between Retro and Faux Retro. Also, that no-one gives a damn about your commitment to the retro-look, which we've already established has been bought from a Swanky Retro store that's charged you £100 for an old Adidas zip up. You're an idiot.

4: Stop with Instagram. For the love of God stop.

5: Stop with your crappy blogs. No-one cares what you have to say. (Move on quickly, please - Ed)

6: Hipsters. Cut the hippy b*llshit. Seriously. The way you learned tosspots act it's like the 60s and 70s never happened. What you do has been done before. Done to death. So stop with the self-righteous Fighting the Man b*llocks. You've got a trust fund and you're from the Home Counties. Get a job.

7: Watch this video and learn.

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Case 8 - Justin Bieber

Done with the tweens. 

Problem - Justin's made millions of dollars through cornering the teeny-bopper market, singing love songs to eight-year-olds even though that comes across a little Jimmy Savile-y. But fair play, the money's in the bank and no-one can take that away from him. But now he wants more. Bieber not only wants adoration, money and fame, he now wants respect. We'll see what we can do.

Solution - He's got options, the kid. But first things first, he's got to ditch the teen crowd. Treat them like crap and still take their money. Just act like a b*tch. (update - http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/music/news/a463254/justin-bieber-arrives-on-stage-two-hours-late-for-london-o2-arena-gig.html?utm_source=tw&utm_medium=dsuk&utm_campaign=twdsuk - well done, Justin! Mission accomplished!)

Right, now he can focus on getting the respect he desires. To do this he could:

1: Get more tattoos. And not the lame ones he's already got.

2: Get married to some tramp. Jordan, Courtney Love, someone dirty like that.

3: Get shot. Get gangster. Nothing says credibility like a drive by.

4: Write some songs with rap segments in them and get a rapper in to rap on them. It's urban, it's edgy.

5: Follow Justin Timberlake's career. The boy started out in N'Sync and now he's single-handedly brought Sexy Back.

6: Swear. A lot. Try smoking weed everyday. See Rihanna for tips. Do not see Chris Brown for tips.

7: Keep up the Bad Boy image. And stop saying stuff like: "I want girls to hear my music and want to play it again because it made their hearts feel good." That's weak, Justin.

8: Come out as gay? It's 2013. It's ok.

9: Go through puberty.

10: Consider doing Time for something badass but short of murder. Maybe drink driving or drugs. See Charlie Sheen for advice. Not Lindsay Lohan.

11: Sex tape.


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Case 7 - Comic Relief

Putting the relief in Comic Relief

Problem - Comic Relief, as a fundraiser, is phenomenally successful. It continues to raise record sums for charitable causes both at home and further afield year-on-year. All very good, all very noble. Well done Comic Relief fundraisers, well done Great British Public. The problem Comic Relief has is that Comic Relief, the TV show, is utter toss. What can be done about this?

Solution - There's two ways of dealing with this. Improve output or make it worse, much worse.

1: Improve.

Comic Relief is like Mecca to awful TV presenters and comedians, giving them a vehicle to step back in front of the cameras in spite of zero public demand and/or discernible talent. There is no excuse for Davina McCall and her stupid face. And yet she'll probably be wheeled out alongside James Bloody Corden to entertain the masses in between celeb-fronted heartstring-pullers from some African nightmare. The horror... the horror... of having to watch McCall and Corden. Incidentally, is there a job James Corden has turned down? Ever?

The list of washed-up or bland hosts is as long as your arm. What happened Comic Relief? You used to be edgy. Now you're just annoying. Get Frankie Boyle to spice things up. Or put Russell Brand in a room with Andrew Sachs' granddaughter and see what happens. In short, give the public an excuse to watch Comic Relief. Not a reason to want to put their boot through their television screen.

2: Take the sh*tathon to another level.

The alternative is to make watching Comic Relief compulsory for all, with something like a £10 minimum donation opt-out. The system would work like this: Comic Relief gets Claudia Winkleman, Davina, Corden, Lenny F*cking How Am I Sill on TV Henry et al to present their usual 'sketches' until the viewing public cannot take any more. Force them to hand over £10 for a special code so they can turn their TVs off. We can work out a system of how this might work, but you get the idea. Comic Relief can scrap the trips to Africa, too. They'll raise much more by showing close ups of Davina Foghorn for a full, uninterrupted hour. Or more if the public refuse to comply. This option will definitely raise record sums. But it may quickly become added to the vast array of banned methods of warfare and torture listed in the Geneva Convention. So act now to generate the most income.


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Case 6 - Politicians

Own up, who voted for this lot?

Problem - The public do not like you or trust politicians (represented above). There is a growing sense that politicians, regardless of political affiliation, are all the same - posh, public-school-educated, party-line-toeing puppets (Enough of that, please - Ed), totally disconnected to the masses in more ways than one. No-one cares what they have to say or what they're trying to do as they're only interested in feathering their own nests and engaging in sordid sexual encounters that the public would rather not know about or, worst case scenario, suffer the horror of conjuring up a mental image of. The challenge is to make politicians more appealing to the public and thereby create interest in politics as a whole.

Solution - The solution is thus:

1: When asked a direct question, politicians should provide a direct answer. Do not follow Ed Miliband's example (below).

2: Do away with the House of Lords. No need for reform, just turn the central heating off and wait for nature to run its course. 

3:  Politicians should not try to become something they are not. David Cameron's 'Call me Dave' policy rightly flopped. The public does not want to call him Dave. They want (or at least some of them) a Leader. The fact that Mr Cameron is a Posh Toff is a plus point, not a negative. The country is not looking for a PM to have a pint with, thank you very much. Although, refraining from further increasing tax on booze would go down a charm. Use Boris 'BoJo' Johnson as a yardstick. London voted for him because of, not in spite of, his better-than-you attitude and use of language and Latin. Stop dancing, playing sports, getting down with the kids, drinking alcohol, going to Greggs (remember that?) and holding babies. 

4: Stop attacking other Parties and focus on the main issue. All this sniping and 'they did this when in office' nonsense is boring. Maggie Thatcher is gone. So is Tony Blair. And even Gordon Brown. Let it go. Focus should be on what each Party has to offer now. 

5: Stop with the sex scandals. Just gross. 

6: No more career politicians. As a general rule of thumb, anyone who has always wanted to become a politician should never be allowed to become one. 

7: Feel free to punch people who throw eggs. F*ck those guys. 

8: Tell the truth. It helps. 

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