Case 5 - Horses

Dinner. 

Problem - This horse meat in food products scandal has affected the reputation of many major food providers, including producers and supermarkets. This has been covered extensively in the press. But, to date, no-one has focused on the negative affect this saga has had on the reputation of horses (shown above). The once noble beast, on a par with the loveable Dog (Great tagline - man's best friend - fantastic PR) or the domestic cat (Great PR for what is essentially a sh*tty, ungrateful animal), has taken a real beating in recent weeks. How could their PR team allow them to go from the heights of Warhorse, where horses were shown bravely fighting against the NAZIS in World War One FOR OUR FREEDOM, to being ground up and served as burgers?! Something needs to be done to restore the Horse to its rightful place in the thoughts of Englishmen; that the Horse is an animal that should be respected and, above all, not eaten.

Solution - A clear statement of intent needs to be sent. Something that says "F*ck this, I'm not letting my brethren get eaten anymore. We're not bloody cows." I recommend taking a number of jockeys hostage. The advantages are thus:

1. The irony of horses taking a whip to a bunch of jockeys will be lost on no one. 
2. Jockeys are small. They probably won't put up much of a fight. 
3. The press will lap this up.

If you need further assistance, you may wish to recruit the Vegetarians. They'll back you up. Probably best to just bring them in for the planning stages though. The lack of meat in their diets makes them very weak so they're not much use with practical tasks. All the best.


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Case 4 - Rafa Benitez

Problem - Interim Chelsea manager Rafa Benitez (above) has a number of work-related problems. The fans really don't like him, refusing to forgive comments made during his time at the helm of Liverpool, and also out of respect to the previous incumbent, Roberto Di Matteo, who they still hold closely to their collective bosom. The players also don't like him, it would seem, with daily bust-ups with some of the club's top earners splashed across the back pages. Worse still, Chelsea currently sit in fourth place in the League, roughly 126 points behind leaders Manchester United. It's fair to say they've had better seasons. Take last season, for example, when they won the Champions League. Rafa needs respect and credibility and fast.

Solution - Tell it like it is. Is John Terry being difficult? Tell everyone and spare no details. John Terry, while a talented footballer, is practically sub-human, with the morals of Charlie Sheen during his 'Dark Episode'. Everyone knows it. Next time he has a disagreement with JT he should use this fact to his advantage.

He could say to the press, for example: "Yeah, John Terry started mouthing off again at me today. I told him that I didn't give a toss what he thought, bearing in mind that he boinked his teammate's missus behind his back, and that he's not the player he was three or four years ago. I also reminded him that I won the Champions League as a manager and that he, on the other hand, cost his team the same trophy by failing to score what was a penalty shoot-out winning penalty against Man Utd of all teams. Choke much? And I also told him people like him even less than me and my stupid goatee. And that I'm sticking with David Luiz, even though he's dodgier than my stupid goatee. And then I told him he's a tw*t."

People - including Chelsea fans - would find it very difficult to argue against the above. So Rafa, don't get bullied by the Club and this whole interim situation. If results keep going badly and the players keep giving you grief, hang them out to dry. Start with John Terry. And if that doesn't have the desired effect remember that you've also got Ashley Cole to fall back on. Now there's a loathsome dumbass.


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Case 3 - Steve McClaren

Problem - Steve McClaren's managerial career and credibility has been further damaged after he was given the boot by FC Twente. His reputation in English football is poor as a result of his troubled stint as England boss, his dodgy Dutch accent (see below) and blink-and-you'll-miss it tenures at Nottingham Forest and Wolfsburg. The challenge is to present Shteve as a decent manager and get him a job.

Solution - Steve can show he doesn't take himself too seriously through embracing his lowest managerial moment (see below) and bringing out his own range of umbrellas. We've even thought up the tagline - why does it always rain on me? Steve can show he has a sense of humour, has put his England failure behind him and has the nous to make a bit of dosh out of the whole sorry episode. Win win win. A Championship side will be in for him in no time. Back of the net!

Wet drip: Shteve McClaren

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Case 2 - Taylor Swift

Problem - Taylor (pictured above) is often ridiculed for her unique bed-hopping songwriting method, which sees her embark on a string of short-lived relationships with fellow celebs before sieving through the resulting emotional wreckage to find the inspiration for her next middle-of-the-road pop classic. She's viewed as a multi-millionaire songwriting slut, basically. 

Solution - She can play this situation in two ways. 

1. Stop writing a song every time she gets kicked to the kerb by her latest celebrity conquest.
2. Up her game lyrics wise. The public would treat her as less of a moany, dumped-every-other-week, everyone's-just-not-that-into-you mini victim if she revealed precisely what went wrong and with whom. Imagine the success of tracks such as Harry Styles Cries After Sex or Jon Mayer Finds it Incredibly Difficult to Maintain an Erection. Taylor would go from Wimp to Cock-Kicking Diva overnight. 

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Case 1 - Birds Eye

Problem - Company hammered in the press following horse meat in lasagne revelation.  

Solution - It's clear that Birds Eye needs to get their lasagne lovers back on side. And quick. But public confidence is shot (rather like an ever-increasing number of horses, it would seem). So PR Troubleshooting Solutions stepped in with the following advice sent through the medium of Facebook. (see below)

This beautiful PR manouevre will generate bundles of positive coverage and show the great British public that they care. All for a couple of grand. 

And yet, amazingly, Birds Eye are yet to respond to my kind offer. I do hope they are not in the process of adopting my plan but with their own Representative of the People. That would anger me. 

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