Case 23 - Paolo Di Canio

Paolo Di Canio - merely waving at his family, honest. 

Problem - Passionate Paolo Di Canio has got himself into a spot of bother. The former West Ham maestro has taken over as manager of Sunderland FC, a naff Premier League side, but a Premier League side all the same. While he was in charge of lowly Swindon the press gave him a fairly easy ride. Out of sight, out of mind. But now he's in the Big Time, Paolo's past has reared its ugly head.

His problem is that some people think he's a bit racist and a bit fascist-y. This stems from this rather unfortunate photo (above) and some strange comments made afterwards. (Thanks for swerving any legal issues on this one - Ed)

How can we help Paolo navigate his way through this tricky patch?

Solution - Tackle the problem head on. (Tackle? Is that a football pun? - Ed) Here's a few suggestions.

1 - Paolo could show those Dark Days are behind him by selling all the 'right wingers' in his squad. In fact, don't play anyone on the far right. Play instead a left back, two central defenders and a not-quite-as-central-as-those-two defender. The same goes for midfield: left wing, two central midfielders and a central-ish midfielder.

2 - Buy in Jewish footballers.

Alternatively, Paolo could embrace the accusations. How about making Sunderland's away shirts mud coloured next year? They could change their nickname to The Brownshirts?

Plenty of options.

Case 22 - Female authors

"Spank me", says 50 Shades author E.L James. Nah, you're alright, love.

Problem - There is no problem. Instead, there is a massive opportunity. Female authors are currently enjoying somewhat of a Golden Period (That sounds wrong - Ed), enjoying huge success across the globe. J.K Rowling got the ball rolling with Harry Potter, then Stephenie Meyer made a fortune out of ruining vampires and then E.L James got in on the action with her bondage book 50 Shades of Grey. Well done ladies! In my eyes you're the best things to happen to rubbish-yet-popular women's literature since Sue Townsend started writing about Adrian Mole. You've all got more money than you can ever spend. So what now?

Solution - Use your story-telling powers for good. Or for more money.

These immensely powerful authors could play a major part in shaping the world we live in. Imagine if they sold the rights of their next protagonist to the highest bidder? The Tories could guarantee the next election if they bought up Meyer, Rowling and James.

Meet Georgey Osborne, the next Boy Wizard, who must fight off evil, embark on a number of adventures AND fix the economy at the same time. Plus romance. Swoon!

Or meet BoJo, a sex-mad millionaire who meets Nastajia, a young girl who wants crocodile clips placed on her nipples and beaten with a rubber hose. The two have intercourse. Swoon!

Or meet David Cameron. He's an old vampire who falls in love with a teenage girl. (Wait, this can't be right - Ed) The two stare at each other a lot. Swoon!

The beauty is that the Bad Guys in these Epic Adventures could be made into Labour's cronies. Or vice versa if Labour comes out as the highest bidders.

You get the point. Think of how many copies of there books would be sold. Think of the subsequent movies. Think of the merchandise! Indoctrination of a generation through weak yet hugely popular prose.

And it doesn't have to be politicians who harness the power of the world's top three female authors. Mick Hucknall could use them to change attitudes towards gingers and/or middle of the road pop stars. James Corden could use them to make sure he's on TV even more, if that's humanly possible (See James Corden entry - Ed).

The possibilities are endless.

Case 21 - Red Bull

You're heading for a time out, mister!

Problem - Red Bull are the top dogs (bulls, surely - Ed) in F1. Their car is the quickest, their drivers are superb and they claimed an impressive 1-2 at the Malaysian Grand Prix on Sunday. Everything's rosey in the Red Bull garden then? Well, no. Because their Golden Boy, three-time world champion Sebastian Vettel disobeyed team orders by overtaking fellow Red Bull driver Mark Webber to claim victory. This overtake could have gone horribly wrong and could have led to a nasty crash that would have taken both cars out of the race. Red Bull needs to get its drivers under control.

Solution - Supernanny.

Sebastian Vettet is a very talented driver. He will go down in history as being one of the best drivers ever. He'll probably win the title again this year and may go on to surpass Schumacher's achievements in the sport. But he's a spoilt brat. His behaviour could do damage to the team and Red Bull's wider reputation. They need to get a handle on the boy or risk being seen as soft touches.

We recommend getting Supernanny down into the Pit. If Sebastian wants to behave like a toddler then he'll be treated like one. Red Bull could implement a Naughty Step system for when Sebastian steps completely out of line, like he did at the weekend, or, during outbreaks of particularly offensive behaviour, give him a Time Out.

Obviously this will all be filmed and include emotional scenes where Red Bull supremo Christian Horner has to step up and take responsibility for disciplining his young child, supported via video link by Supernanny.

Oh, and Supernanny will be in full Red Bull race gear, naturally.

This could really work.

Sebastian needs to know who's boss

Case 20 - Corrie

Sex Bomb: Look out ladies, this man's got a bus pass.

Problem - Coronation Street has got wind that soap rivals EastEnders has sought the advice of some PR genius and is seriously upping their game (see out EastEnders entry for more - Ed) so the Northern ITV show needs to respond. And fast. It has to be something big, something that will make for compulsive viewing. But what?

Solution - Bill Roache Truman Show.

For those blissfully unaware of Corrie and its cast (I think be could be best friends, you've made a great life choice right there) let me tell you a little bit about actor Bill Roache.

1 - Bill, who played Ken Barlow on the show, claims to have bedded more than 1,000 women - a feat that earned him the name Cock Roache - and dabbled with drugs. He made this omission, filed under Too Much Information, at the tender age of 79. Keep it to yourself, Billy Boy.

2 - Lothario Bill recently said victims of sexual abuse bring it on themselves and that they are paying for their behaviour in previous lives. He also defended paedophiles.

The guy is clearly a nutjob. Russell Brand, Roache is your Ghost of Christmas Future!

Anyway, Corrie can use this to its advantage. Our advice is to put Bill back into the soap without telling him. Truman Show style. Just push him into the Rovers, get him a pint and let the rest happen organically. All the other actors can carry on as they are but will have to ad lib if Roachey gets involved.

The result? Compulsive viewing. Will Bill Roache try his luck with one of the barmaids after one too many pints of bitter? Of course he will. This man's sexual appetite is insatiable! Will Bill come out with any many pearls of wisdom?! Perhaps he'll go in for a bit of Holocaust denial? Sounds like something Roache would come out with. The beauty of the Bill Roache Truman Show Corrie approach is that you never know what he's going to try to penetrate next - a woman or his ever-diminishing reputation.

Case 19 - The BBC

BBC - Dropped the ball on this one chaps

Problem - The BBC is under constant pressure to justify its existence and that of the TV licence fee. It has been ever since the emergence of Sky in the '90s. And to a lesser extent, a much lesser extent, Channel 5. Christ, does anyone actually watch anything on Channel 5?! But I divulge. The Beeb, which has turned good, honest, decent taxpayers' money into My Family and Citizen Khan, among other monstrosities, is under constant pressure to deliver. This situation is not helped by the likes of the Newsnight child abuse broadcast bombshell, which played out like a boring murder mystery thriller, shaking public confidence in Auntie. We need to steady the ship.

Solution - The BBC has a lot going for it. We need to utilise these positives and weed out the shite.

1 - In times of crisis, roll out the Calming Influences. When something anti-BBC breaks, immediately throw something David Attenborough-fronted on BBC1 and chuck Terry Wogan onto BBC Radio 1. That ought to relax the masses, giving Beeb bosses the opportunity to handle whatever dire situation its got itself into.

2 - Throw the British taxpayer a bone by not taking the piss with their money. No more Miranda, Mrs Brown's Boys, My Family, My Hero, Citizen Khan, Not Going Out (featuring Miranda) or any other lowest common denominator, by the numbers sit-coms. I don't give a damn about the viewing figures. The Beeb has a duty of care to its audience. Churning out programmes like the above is the TV equivalent of force-feeding a baby McDonalds every day for a month. The baby may like Happy Meals but it doesn't make it right.

3 - Now that the BBC's got Chris Moyles off its roster, make it stay that way!

4 - Invest more in BBC 6 Music, which is good. Dump BBC Radio 1, which is not.

5 - Someone send Bruce Forsyth to "live on a farm".

6 - Late Night EastEnders (see our EastEnders entry - Ed)

7 - More Liza Tarbuck. Man, I love Liza Tarbuck.

8 - Less Robert Peston. I'd love to take a shovel to Peston's face. Repeatedly.

9 - No more BBC3. And no more shows with Will Mellor in them. We've seen enough.

10 - The Voice? Seriously. Bring back proper Saturday night TV. Start with Big Break. (Minus Jim Davidson, naturally) Go from there.

11 - Three posters shall be placed in all staff rooms; 'Don't Touch Kids', 'Report the News Impartially' and 'Stop Making Period Dramas'.

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Case 18 - The Budget

We like the Briefcase

Problem - It's Budget Day and George Osborne has some bad news for a change. His main problems are that the economy's buggered, there's less growth in the country than on a pre-pubescent boy's top lip, and, worst of all, there's no sign of anything positive on the horizon either. Georgey-boy can't get away with the 'we inherited this mess from Labour' line any more and has made too many promises (most of them broken or not achieved) to make any more. The sharks are circling. This Budget has to be different. It has to have impact, leave the public feeling warm and fuzzy and take the heat of Osborne.

Solution - Introduce the element of chance.

What we recommend is keeping the Briefcase. Everyone likes the briefcase. The briefcase stays. What's more, we have 19 identical briefcases made up. The public loves the red, worn briefcase so let's give them 20 of them.

Next, we have George and his Tory thinkers and planners devise 20 separate Budgets, all slightly different from the last. One raises tax by 0.5%, keeps a lid on inflation and introduces a stealth tax on Mick Hucknall while the next could slash the price of petrol by 50p and get rid of Liverpool. We put each of the 20 Budgets in one of the 20 briefcases. At random.

Then the genius part. We get Glenn MillerBand to play a Budget Deal or no Deal. He has to pick the Budget. One by one he chooses a briefcase and it gets opened to reveal the Budget inside. These Budgets are split into Red (Budgets favoured by Labour) and Blue (Budgets favoured by the Tories). This is all televised live. Osborne can be Noel Edmonds, torturing MillerBand for every Red Budget he chooses, which obviously then gets dismissed.

The beauty of this system is that if it all goes wrong a year down the line, based on the final Briefcase and Budget left, then it's all Steve MillerBand's fault. After all, he chose the bloody Briefcase/Budget. And Osborne comes out of this very nicely indeed. He's entertained the public and taken Noel Edmonds off our TV screens. Win win win!

Budget Deal or no Deal - There's no Banker. Forget about the Banker. 

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Case 17 - Cyprus

Cyprus - now called the Sports Direct Republic of Cyprus

Problem - Cyprus has got itself into a bit of a monetary pickle. From what I gather, the country's banks lent far too much during the Boom Years, particularly to Greece, The Broken Land of Brokedom, and have now been left without a paddle in these dark, dark Bust Years. Cyprus is now financially fudged. To the tune of 16 billion Euros. The European Union has agreed to give them a whopping 10 billion Euro bailout on the condition that Cyprus raises the other 6 billion Euros themselves. Cyprus' political leaders have decided to steal this cash from the bank accounts of its taxpayers, taking most from the lower to middle classes rather than the super rich. This move - and the whole situation - hasn't gone down well with the Cypriot people. We need to have a rethink and spin this somehow to make Cyprus come out of this smelling of roses.

Solution - There's no getting away from the fact that Cyprus needs to find 6 million Euros from somewhere. And fast. But taking it from the people is a bit too much King John for my liking. There must be other solutions. How about this:

1 - Make the most of Ayia Napa by moving into the hard house and illegal drug scenes. Form a Government department to create the sick, sick beats that the Kids go absolutely bonkers for. This will create a number of revenue streams:

A - Music downloads.
B - Holidays in Ayia Napa.
C - Drug-taking in Ayia Napa (form a cartel, impose tax on the drugs)
D - Consider entering the glowsticks market.

This is a bit of a long burner and may take some time - and a number of Now That's What I Call Ayia Napa's Best Government-Funded House Tracks albums - before the 6 million Euro figure is reached.

2 - Consider making a midnight raid on neighbouring countries, making off with their priceless antiquities. Egypt is really close by. I would recommend popping over in the dead of night and swiping a pyramid or two. Perhaps take one of those Sphinxs, too. Any loot you find inside, you keep. Then sell the lot on the black market. 6 million Euros overnight.

3 - Move Cyprus slightly south east so that the country becomes part of mainland Israel. Then get heavily stuck into the Israel/Palestine stuff. No-one will come chasing the money then. There's no way any governing body will want to get involved with that political hot potato. Job done.

4 - Tap up a couple of Cypriot moneybags. I'm looking at you Stelios Haji-Ionnou and Theo Paphitis. Dig deep boys.

5 - Consider selling the naming rights of the country. Sports Direct have got a bit of cash. How about the Sports Direct Republic of Cyprus? Or Wonga-ville? Compare the Market Land?

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